Post by Admin on Jun 23, 2011 4:22:40 GMT -5
I was going to write out a whole thing on the proper way to cook meat so that you're getting the healthiest experience you can... blah blah blah. I dug up an old post of mine instead. Seemed like more fun.
I came to the realization that most of my friends have no idea how to walk into a bar and order a drink. This got me to thinking that I should write a guide on how to order drinks and not look like a pansy when doing it. Lets start with...
Dating
If a guy is out on a first date, or is a couple dates in there are a few rules he should follow about ordering a drink if he chooses to do so. Women WILL look at the drink you order, and if you think I'm BSing you try ordering a strawberry daiquiri with a big umbrella next time you take your girl out. You don't want to look like a wimp, but you also don't want to give off the air of a hardcore alcoholic so getting a double shot of jack won't be the best option either.
Your safe bets lie somewhere in between red wine and a martini. Beer generally invokes a Homer Simpson image and shouldn't be your first choice unless it's already understood that that's what the venue offers (IE: a brewery)
If you intend to order a martini then keep it simple, gin or vodka. Most martini drinkers will tell you that a martini doesn't have vodka in it... and they're traditionally right. These days you have to specify to the bartender because unlike the "traditionalist" he'll give you whichever side of the argument his boss is on.
Try to stay away from "named" martinis. Any man that orders a cosmo while on a date (or anytime for that matter) needs to rethink his priorities . It's probably a good idea to stay away from the anchovey stuffed olives as well. They'll make your girl wonder when you snuck off to give big foot a quickie.
The exception to the simplistic rule is at dessert, when it's ok to order a coffee themed drink.
Pick Your Poison
It's important to always call your liquor. Don't walk up to a bar and tell the bartender to make you a gin and tonic and expect him to go to work. You need to call your liquor. If you're ordering a drink through a waiter or waitress and you don't call your hooch then the bartender will likely send them back to get an answer from you. What's worse is they may serve you bottom shelf and charge you for top. Now you just look stupid.
Speaking of quality liquor, there are two reasons to reach a little higher on the shelf. One: you're may be trying to impress someone. Two: You're going to be drinking a lot tonight and don't want to feel it as bad tomorrow. Top shelf tends to have a better flavor as well, but if you can't tell the difference whose to say it matters?
If you're ordering a juice based drink you may as well go bottom shelf, as I've yet to meet someone that can taste the subtle differences when mixed with something fruity.
The other important thing to picking your poison is know what's in said poison. Even if the bartender doesn't know how to make your drink it's YOU that looks like the idiot for not knowing what's in it. While this doesn't so much apply to which shelf you pick from, the barkeep IS going to laugh at you if you order a screwdriver and call beefeater. Keep that in mind.
When You're Working
There aren't a whole lot of rules out there for what to order with your boss but it's safe to say you can treat that as a first date as well, with a few sidenotes. For starters never follow your bosses lead, it makes you look like a brown noser. If you both want to order red wine and he orders the cab then you order the merlot. This sit down isn't about your personal enjoyment it's about showing your boss that you've got a pair of balls and deserve that (promotion, raise, hot secretary)
Secondly you'll want to always call top shelf liquor here and be specific about that. Don't order a vodka and tonic, order a (insert top shelf brand) and tonic. If the location doesn't have that topshelf or you don't know one to order offhand it's alright to tell them to "use their topshelf"
Most importantly, it's alright NOT TO FINISH YOUR DRINK if you feel it'll do you harm. Don't take a sip and decide your done, but if you're half way through and you know the second half will cause you to take your pants off and run through the resturaunt, do us all a favor and order a damned glass of water.
A Classic Drink
If you're looking to one up your buddies on your drink order, go with one of the classics: Manhattans, Old Fashioneds, Stingers and Sidecars. It is ALWAYS appropiate to order a drink like this, regardless of the setting. Bonus points if you're in a cigar lounge or place of similiar mindset.
For further reading; pick up The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks, by David A. Embury. This book was published back in 1948 and has become a standard for drinks that every bartender needs to know.
At a Wedding
A martini might be a good idea for a date or hanging with your co-workers, but at a wedding you'll be walking around alot and it's tough to walk with a martini glass. White wine or vodka drinks are a safe bet. The trick with weddings is knowing the scene. I've been to casual weddings that were B.Y.O.B. and I've been to weddings where everyone gets a glass of champaign and nothing else. Identify the scene and when if you can't get a solid read then a "when in Rome" stance is appropriate.
There are only a few people who can get away with being "drunk" at a wedding. The father of the bride and "that guy." Bear in mind that "that guy" is an asshole so this list should have just gotten a lot shorter.
Wine
Entire books have been written on wine, so anything said here would pale in comparison. Some people will talk about matching the wine to the food or getting it perfect to the season. As a man you can throw all those rules out the door as long as you don't order white zinfandel. It's just not a manly drink by any measure. Most consider "zin" to be a quaffing wine, which is an unsophisticated simple tasting wine good for little more then "quaffing."
If you can manage that rule then here's a few others. For cooler seasons, order red. Warmer order white. It doesn't matter what the hell season it is, you never ask for ice in your wine (I've seen people do it) Sweet wines are for women and dry full bodied wines are for men. Pinot noir's are a flowery wine and unless the group is ordering it in the bottle you should probably stick with a cabernet.
If you're with a guest and you'd like to order a bottle but can't agree on one, it's best to give a little ground and go with their decision. A white wine will mix with just about anything, so it's a good place to start if you haven't gotten your apetizers yet. In nice resturaunts it's completley acceptable to bring your own wine and have them uncork it, though you'll generally pay a corking fee. Finally, should someone in your party want to keep the label most places can steam it off for them and have it delivered with the check.
Conclusion
I'm not your mother or the police, so this isn't the part where I tell you to play it cool when you drink. I will say however that if you're getting sloshed faster then you wanted to then it's perfectly fine to pace yourself. Order water, order a gin and tonic (but make it all tonic) and should it come to it go around back and throw up. When your friends ask just say you had to make a phone call. That about wraps up the sum of my knowledge on the proper ways for men to booze.
I came to the realization that most of my friends have no idea how to walk into a bar and order a drink. This got me to thinking that I should write a guide on how to order drinks and not look like a pansy when doing it. Lets start with...
Dating
If a guy is out on a first date, or is a couple dates in there are a few rules he should follow about ordering a drink if he chooses to do so. Women WILL look at the drink you order, and if you think I'm BSing you try ordering a strawberry daiquiri with a big umbrella next time you take your girl out. You don't want to look like a wimp, but you also don't want to give off the air of a hardcore alcoholic so getting a double shot of jack won't be the best option either.
Your safe bets lie somewhere in between red wine and a martini. Beer generally invokes a Homer Simpson image and shouldn't be your first choice unless it's already understood that that's what the venue offers (IE: a brewery)
If you intend to order a martini then keep it simple, gin or vodka. Most martini drinkers will tell you that a martini doesn't have vodka in it... and they're traditionally right. These days you have to specify to the bartender because unlike the "traditionalist" he'll give you whichever side of the argument his boss is on.
Try to stay away from "named" martinis. Any man that orders a cosmo while on a date (or anytime for that matter) needs to rethink his priorities . It's probably a good idea to stay away from the anchovey stuffed olives as well. They'll make your girl wonder when you snuck off to give big foot a quickie.
The exception to the simplistic rule is at dessert, when it's ok to order a coffee themed drink.
Pick Your Poison
It's important to always call your liquor. Don't walk up to a bar and tell the bartender to make you a gin and tonic and expect him to go to work. You need to call your liquor. If you're ordering a drink through a waiter or waitress and you don't call your hooch then the bartender will likely send them back to get an answer from you. What's worse is they may serve you bottom shelf and charge you for top. Now you just look stupid.
Speaking of quality liquor, there are two reasons to reach a little higher on the shelf. One: you're may be trying to impress someone. Two: You're going to be drinking a lot tonight and don't want to feel it as bad tomorrow. Top shelf tends to have a better flavor as well, but if you can't tell the difference whose to say it matters?
If you're ordering a juice based drink you may as well go bottom shelf, as I've yet to meet someone that can taste the subtle differences when mixed with something fruity.
The other important thing to picking your poison is know what's in said poison. Even if the bartender doesn't know how to make your drink it's YOU that looks like the idiot for not knowing what's in it. While this doesn't so much apply to which shelf you pick from, the barkeep IS going to laugh at you if you order a screwdriver and call beefeater. Keep that in mind.
When You're Working
There aren't a whole lot of rules out there for what to order with your boss but it's safe to say you can treat that as a first date as well, with a few sidenotes. For starters never follow your bosses lead, it makes you look like a brown noser. If you both want to order red wine and he orders the cab then you order the merlot. This sit down isn't about your personal enjoyment it's about showing your boss that you've got a pair of balls and deserve that (promotion, raise, hot secretary)
Secondly you'll want to always call top shelf liquor here and be specific about that. Don't order a vodka and tonic, order a (insert top shelf brand) and tonic. If the location doesn't have that topshelf or you don't know one to order offhand it's alright to tell them to "use their topshelf"
Most importantly, it's alright NOT TO FINISH YOUR DRINK if you feel it'll do you harm. Don't take a sip and decide your done, but if you're half way through and you know the second half will cause you to take your pants off and run through the resturaunt, do us all a favor and order a damned glass of water.
A Classic Drink
If you're looking to one up your buddies on your drink order, go with one of the classics: Manhattans, Old Fashioneds, Stingers and Sidecars. It is ALWAYS appropiate to order a drink like this, regardless of the setting. Bonus points if you're in a cigar lounge or place of similiar mindset.
For further reading; pick up The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks, by David A. Embury. This book was published back in 1948 and has become a standard for drinks that every bartender needs to know.
At a Wedding
A martini might be a good idea for a date or hanging with your co-workers, but at a wedding you'll be walking around alot and it's tough to walk with a martini glass. White wine or vodka drinks are a safe bet. The trick with weddings is knowing the scene. I've been to casual weddings that were B.Y.O.B. and I've been to weddings where everyone gets a glass of champaign and nothing else. Identify the scene and when if you can't get a solid read then a "when in Rome" stance is appropriate.
There are only a few people who can get away with being "drunk" at a wedding. The father of the bride and "that guy." Bear in mind that "that guy" is an asshole so this list should have just gotten a lot shorter.
Wine
Entire books have been written on wine, so anything said here would pale in comparison. Some people will talk about matching the wine to the food or getting it perfect to the season. As a man you can throw all those rules out the door as long as you don't order white zinfandel. It's just not a manly drink by any measure. Most consider "zin" to be a quaffing wine, which is an unsophisticated simple tasting wine good for little more then "quaffing."
If you can manage that rule then here's a few others. For cooler seasons, order red. Warmer order white. It doesn't matter what the hell season it is, you never ask for ice in your wine (I've seen people do it) Sweet wines are for women and dry full bodied wines are for men. Pinot noir's are a flowery wine and unless the group is ordering it in the bottle you should probably stick with a cabernet.
If you're with a guest and you'd like to order a bottle but can't agree on one, it's best to give a little ground and go with their decision. A white wine will mix with just about anything, so it's a good place to start if you haven't gotten your apetizers yet. In nice resturaunts it's completley acceptable to bring your own wine and have them uncork it, though you'll generally pay a corking fee. Finally, should someone in your party want to keep the label most places can steam it off for them and have it delivered with the check.
Conclusion
I'm not your mother or the police, so this isn't the part where I tell you to play it cool when you drink. I will say however that if you're getting sloshed faster then you wanted to then it's perfectly fine to pace yourself. Order water, order a gin and tonic (but make it all tonic) and should it come to it go around back and throw up. When your friends ask just say you had to make a phone call. That about wraps up the sum of my knowledge on the proper ways for men to booze.
